Monday, February 17, 2014

An Unscheduled Rant

    Feeling like, despite your best efforts, you're still just not hardcore enough?  Like maybe you could still somehow be even more caveman like?  You have that yearning for something, something maybe you've forgotten consciously but your body remembers, but just can't put your finger on it?  Well, have I got the thing for you...Yes, friends, I give you:

...these ain't your mama's vegetables...well, unless your mom's a bear

    PRIMAL VEGETABLES!  Because they're the kinds of vegetables BEARS EAT!  Bears have been documented getting together in groups of over 100 and sprinting through the forest, sometimes for days, chasing these nutrient packed sonsa'bitches down and eventually gorging themselves on loads of alkalizing, protein packed, and best of all PRIMAL, PRIMAL VEGETABLES.  HOW THE FUCK DO YOU THINK THEY SLEEP IN A CAVE FOR THREE MONTHS WITHOUT EATING?!?!

    Look, this isn't the same weakass, organic, grown-in-the-dirt, no-pesticide, bullshit you get at your local farmers' market, THESE PHYTOMONSTERS WILL RISE OUT OF THE GROUND TO HUNT AND KILL YOU IF YOU DON'T HUNT AND KILL THEM FIRST!  You've done Crossfit, but you haven't gone FULL PALEO until you've feasted on PRIMAL VEGETABLES!  HOW THE FUCK DO YOU THINK ALL THE CROSSFIT GAMES CHAMPIONS TRAIN?!?!  BY HUNTING DOWN THESE MOTHER FUCKERS, THAT'S HOW!!!!

Look up again, Mother Fucker...

    Ok!  Ok!  You've decided you've gotta have 'em, so where might you be able to hunt, kill, and consume these PRIMAL VEGETABLES yourself?  Well, that's the best part!  The usual expedition price is $10,000 a person, no refunds given regardless of outcome, but if you act now, I'll take that one and turn it into a 5!  Yep, $50,000 and the best part is, you'll never miss the money, because at the end of it all, your body will remember that it never needed money in the first place!  SO ACT NOW AND LET'S GET TO BEING LIKE CROSSFIT GAMES CHAMPION BEARS!!!! PRIMAL MOTHERFUCKING VEGETABLES FTWOMGROFLBBQSUNOVABIIIIIIITCH!!!!!!